I understand quite a bit more about long-distance service now. It’s good to learn things. They haven’t let me on the phones yet, but the lady i was sitting with buddy-buddy yesterday is pretty awesome. Her name is Pauline, she has been working there a couple of years and she was very friendly. It’s nice to know that when you encounter someone who honestly has an unbeatable rate we are supposed to say so and excuse ourselves for having bothered them with a CAA loyalty program that doesn’t fit their needs. I don’t feel like a crook or anything and a lot of people we call are genuinely interested by the idea of seeing the comparison of different long distance providers. Unfortunately, a lot of the CAA lists are filled with very elderly people and they are sometimes obviously losing their marbles. It’s sad.

This evening i am going to visit the grandparents again, one last time before Mum and Dad get back. I finish work at 6.

I can’t decide what to do about living arrangements…this constant commuting is killing me already and i haven’t even started the insane carpooling yet. Unfortunately, Lisa’s Mum has decided that we (her friends) are out to use her and, hence, i cannot sleep over anymore - even when Lisa and i go out the evening before because i do not want Lisa to get yelled at by her Mum.

I have to go pick up my last pay cheque this morning. I am not pleased. I don’t know if it is always protocol to make people go pick it up, but it isn’t what they did at Subway and since i didn’t get paid on Thursday, i don’t have the money to pay the parking in front of the building so i am going to do an illegal park and dash in. i don’t understand why Rachel, our payroll clerk, is incapable of letting people know about these things before they happen. On my last pay cheque she made an adjustment of 7 hours that i had been over-paid and neglected to tell me. I was irate.

Ok. i had better get going if i am going to get that paycheck. I am not planning anything special other than MAYBE the fireworks Saturday because this week-end i need to review for Italian and work quite a bit on the GREs. Plus, i need to stop the insane spending.

well, it went well. it looks pretty easy. nice thing is that i would purchase the program myself if i could. it’s a customer loyalty thing called comparaction for CAA members and Scotiabank Visa holders. they compare three long distance providers for you and then charge you the one that came out to the least money for your long distance usage that month - so if you make no long distance calls, it’s free. plus, if the customer says they have a plan that’s better, we just tell them that we can’t match it and tell them scotia/CAA is happy to have their business and looks forward to offering them other loyalty stuff in the future. it’s very legit.

i think i am going to stay with it for the summer as i can work 27 hrs/week there. i will likely move to BMO come the school year though. i don’t want to work as many hours if at all. and if i work at all, i imagine that i will move downtown…into a 1 1/2 with a futon and a sleeping bag. i can’t take the travelling anymore. i am so sick of wasting all my time.

though i have spent insane amounts of money this past week (IPOD Nano, alpaca shawl and towing) i managed to be thrifty…Tim lost the case that protects my IPOD, but instead of buying an expensive skin i bought a glasses case for $3. it is pink and shiny…so better than my other genius plan - a sock. plus, i am less likely to lose something bigger. my brilliance astounds me.

i walked into a show of bagpipe music on the lawn in front of a church near Peel on Ste. Catherine. it was very pretty. dusk was setting in and the music reverberated because of the buildings. it was very nice and pleasantly surprising.

well, i need to blog, check my other email account, do some dishes, iron some clothes and maybe tidy up my room a bit before going to bed. i still don’t know how the parents and i are going to work out travelling by car when they get back from vacation, but i am optimistic. things usually work out.

i was not expecting my car to not start in ste. anne de bellevue this morning. i was not expecting to have to pay to get it towed 71 km to my mechanic. it is fixed, but i am much poorer.

luckily, i start a new job tomorrow. if i don’t like it, i can start a different new job on July 10th. the opportunities are endless apparently. i am trying to figure out a way to work enough that i can move downtown for the year, but i don’t think it will be happening anytime soon.

i went to visit the grandparents as my parents are out of town. they were better than i expected, which was nice.

steve called me this evening. we chatted for about ten minutes. oddness.

wine from a tetra pack reminds me of the cheap wine in Italy. it tasted fine, but smelt like rubbing alcohol. i was pretty trashed though, so it was also equally effective. the conversation that accompanied its consumption was also nice. i like arguing about gender-role behaviour and the theory of relativity way too much. i am a nerd (and a prude).

this is my 200th post. wow. a landmark. i am excited.

italy was much cooler than switzerland. more colours, less “same-thing for over 3 minutes.” seeing julie was awesome. saying good-bye to ilya was not.

the weirdest thing about being single: realizing that the men i flirt and tease incessantly might expect me to follow through…is it horrible to be a tease? do i need a reason to get out of sleeping with someone (that last one not in regards to anyone at the fireworks, but rather a more general question)? how do you know? i am not good at this. i am too shy when it comes to actions rather than words.

jeans were tighter, boobs were being pushed up and shoulders were way back yesterday if you dared walk around the party district of the downtown core. WAY too many women heavier than i were skimply clad. it was a tad disturbing. i had never been before. i don't get the idea of an orange or yellow Ferrari. isn't it over the top enough already? do you think someone is going to miss it?

i much preferred Peel to Crescent though. the Honda street was too crowded and had too many gimmicks. and the cars were those stupid sooped up things…ick. Peel was more purist as Eric put it. Just the cars…and lots of them. i'm not sure if i had ever actually seen a Lamborghini before (how do you spell that?). the Ferraris were awesome, but i see the ones parked in the garage at work kind of frequently.

Ilya and i went to Typhoon on Monkland. Gave half-a-pitcher of sangria to the lesbians sitting next to us as we rushed to get me to Lisa's before she went to sleep. Bryan's being gone means i get my friend back. YEAH! i am so selfish.

it was odd having people over on Thursday. i never have people over. my little brother proved to be pseudo-social these past couple of days and has managed to get himself invited to the fireworks tomorrow. the last event of Arrivederci Ilya month. then that too will be striken from the to-do list. it's coming down…but i liked that activity. too bad. all things must come to an end, yes? 

i begin this post with a discretionary statement: i am not about to kill myself. that said, i would like to talk about one of the side-effects of believing in neither a greater purpose nor an afterlife.

at least three times a week, i find myself thinking “why do i put up with this shit?” Why do i put up with the dreariness of my job, the long-term investment my chosen career-path requires, the incessant budgetting i subject myself to and the lying alone at night trying to remember what it was like to fall asleep with strong, heavy arms around me? unfortunately, when you truly no longer believe in God, or some innate organizing principle in the universe, but rather spontaneous production of life and a four-dimensional universe, the answer is always - because i permit it. the next step to that train of thought is - why don’t i end it?

i know why i don’t throw in the towel in those moments. for the very same reasons that i stayed in a long-term relationship that was going nowhere for over 3 years after i had been subjected to watching the other person’s downfall into oblivion - because i do not let others down. as a defining characteristic of my personality, i would provide “being where i say i will be when i say i will be.” any sort of meaningful relationship implies that you will be there when the person needs you. i only really know of letting one person down in circumstances of consequence, and i’ve lamented my inconsiderateness in great detail during previous posts (aside: i think the end of my own relationship coincided with that time, but i didn’t know that’s why i was acting like such a cad at the time, so i am skeptical of my excuses for myself. too much cognitive dissonance is possible from this scenario for me to accept any reasoning that makes me feel less guilty). i will not let my loved ones down. i cannot imagine something that would make them feel worse than to think them think i killed myself because they let me down by - even if my throwing it in was simply an expression of my entire disgust with this “life” thing that goes nowhere and will inevitably be downhill.

if this is the best time of my life - what is there in the future? yet, the relationships that tie me to this existence continue to grow and i become more and more caught in a web of people whom depend on me and do their best to let me depend on them. the end is not in sight. i worry that when it gets REALLY bad, i will no longer be able to focus on the triviality of the problem - to live or not to live.

like i said, i am not about to kill myself. i may be morbid at times (like right now), but generally i am enjoying myself, setting goals and attempting to get something out of it, but in the end, i know, in my heart, that all i will have is memories, and in death not even those. if what we are creating doesn’t go with us when we leave the realm of existence, why do we create?

i posit because the process of creating brings pleasure…and pain; we are all masochists.

there is an older man who sits in our warehouse all day surveying the landscape. His job is to sign for packages and make sure that no one from the outside world wanders around and no employee steals anything. He is the “big boss”’s brother-in-law and he is very nice (though he sleeps sitting up on a regular basis). We shall call him Harry (i don’t feel it right to use the real names of anyone i am not going to inform of the blog post about them).

we have had this particular conversation once before, but this time around i not only had a flash of insight, but also realized its blog worthiness.

Harry does not read. He is a sports fan and he can watch T.V. and listen to the broadcast on the radio at the same time without a problem. He claims that his inability to concentrate for more than a page on anything written is likely the cause of his never going beyond grade ten (he is in his 60s at least, so it wasn’t that uncommon to not finish high school then). His wife was a grade school teacher before she retired. He is in exactly the opposite predicament of me. I CANNOT focus on more than one person speaking at a time (i am lost in loud bar) and have almost no idea how people listen to the radio. It takes me a VERY long time to recognize a song and i can never sing-a-long to the lyrics unless i have seen them written. Now, i prefer the ability to read for hours on end, but Harry and I quite obviously are wired very differently and have different abilities.

This led me to the question: why do i like to read? I had never really asked myself before. I think it has much to do with how intimate reading is as an activity. No one knows what’s going on in your mind as you read and you’re left alone to ponder not only the written word on the page, but anything else that pops into your consciousness. I know i’ve reread a single paragraph in even phenomenal books at least five times because i am busy planning dinner or thinking of what the rest of my to-do list is like, but no one judges or complains. Being a non-stop talker, i obviously like to listen to my own voice (LOL) and i don’t know if other people read like this, but i definitely hear my mind thinking over the top of the words i read. When i REALLY have to concentrate i read aloud in my head (yes, i know that’s a contradiction), but otherwise, it’s a line at a time with an interior monologue. Something really captivating takes up all my attention too (like Harry Potter! When are they going to come up with a release date for the 7th book! the 6th is released in Paperback at the end of the month and i am looking forward to obtaining a copy).

So, do the rest of you scholarly folk have the same experience when reading? You may or may not know that i have a little backgorund in psych from CEGEP and this topic of how different people think is one i hope to do some leisurely work on my entire life. I’m curious…and happy i realized something new about myself this morning at such an early hour…part of what i find so appealing about reading!

IPOD update: It left Memphis, TN this morning. There is a slim chance i might get it tomorrow, but no one will be home to accept the package anyways, so i guess it doesn’t matter.

Spending update: I bought a red alpaca poncho yesterday because it is freezing in reception. It is soft with no fringe but a cowl-neck and goes with everything. It makes a raspberry look pale. It cost a fortune, but as i am planning on living in it for the rest of my life, i think it will be worth it. If you don’t know what alpaca is, search for “alpaca poncho” on ebay.

My father and i had a nasty argument in the car coming in to work today…

He thinks that NAFTA is responsible for the Canadian economy making it out of the late 80s early 90s recession. The more recent articles and scholarship i have been reading are very critical of the agreement; implying it has unforeseen repercussions that will be crippling to both Canadian autonomy and welfare and that the conservative misrepresented the agreement when it was tabled.

Now, my father has possibly the nastiest habit when we are fighting about something that happened over 5 years ago. He says that i don’t know what i’m talking about and that only the world-reknowned economist Ms. H.T.S parrots these claims from left-wing academics who know nothing about the “real” world. My Dad is such a W.A.S.P. sometimes…

Anyways…i am going to collect a large # of NAFTA related links with the sole purpose of proving to myself that i am not making this up. That NAFTA involves long-term grants of natural resources and poses a threat to Canadian autonomy in international courts. I am POSITIVE that the water-rights cases aren’t made up. I know that most of my information is sponsored by the NDP, and even if you don’t vote NDP, they are still respectable individuals making an effort to govern the country (and Jack Layton knows infinitely better how to run a government than my father, Mr. M.C.S. who has governed - ummm…nothing).

Sometimes known as the Washington Consensus,(a) other times simply as “free trade,” this gospel has been the main American ideological export since anti-Communism (to which it is related) lost strategic relevance. It is promulgated directly through U.S. foreign policy and indirectly through multilateral institutions such as the World Bank, the International Monetary Fund, and the World Trade Organization. Its core tenets are deregulation, privatization, “openness” (to foreign investment, to imports), unrestricted movement of capital, and lower taxes. Presented with special force to developing countries as a formula for economic management, it is also, in its fullness, a theory of how the world should be run, under American supervision. Attacking America is, therefore, attacking the theory, and attacking the theory is attacking America.

From: THE ECONOMICS OF EMPIRE , By: Finnegan, William, Harper’s Magazine, 0017789X, May2003, Vol. 306, Issue 1836

The deal we ended up with isn’t free trade at all, and hasn’t been in terms of steel, softwood lumber, all sorts of things. Whatever the Americans wanted, they got. They still feel they got access to all our water under that agreement, too. I’m a free trader, but that is not a free trade agreement.

From: ‘I WOULD DO IT AGAIN’ , Maclean’s, 00249262, 6/28/2004-7/5/2004, Vol. 117, Issue 26/27 (an interview with John Turner, the 17th Prime Minister).

In recent history, the Senate has balked at passing legislation on subjects as weighty as free trade and pension reform.

From: the abstract of All or Nothing , By: Geddes, John, Maclean’s, 00249262, 4/12/2004-4/19/2004, Vol. 117, Issue 15/16.

To be filed in the “and if we pulled this kind of gag while challenging water rights…what do you think would happen?”

The article focuses on the trade dispute involving timber exports and imports between Canada and the United States. Rarely are Canadians as angry with their American neighbours as when they are squabbling over timber. Their 20-year trade dispute might have come to an end last month, when Canada won a supposedly definitive ruling under the North American Free-Trade Agreement (NAFTA) ordering the United States to drop its punitive duties on Canadian softwood and refund around $4 billion already collected. But the United States refused to comply and, later in the month, won support for its stance from the World Trade Organisation (WTO). Outraged, Canada has cut off talks with the United States on the issue. American timber firms complain that Canadian rivals, who cut trees mostly from publicly owned forests, pay artificially low cutting fees that amount to an unfair subsidy. The Bush administration says it rejects the NAFTA panel’s verdict because it is based on out-of-date facts. The United States’ new ambassador to Ottawa, David Wilkins, did not help by telling Canada’s politicians to stop their “emotional tirades” and come back to the negotiating table before things descended into an all-out trade war.

From the abstract of: “Hard talk on softwood: Economist, 00130613, 9/10/2005, Vol. 376, Issue 8443.

The article i really want to quote is in the May Issue of the Walrus, but i can’t get it online and my copy is at home. It’s unfortunate i know…i will update this post soon. Nonetheless, i think 3 publications from 3 different countries critiquing, though not on my stance, is enough to prove that i am not alone in thinking the whole thing is just weird.

BUT WAIT…THERE’S MORE:

Most countries want the U.S. and the EU to stop “dumping” heavily subsidized agricultural products onto world markets. By flooding the markets with cheap products, American and European multinationals push down the price of commodities and force small farms in developing countries out of business. In Hong Kong, negotiators set a faraway deadline of 2013 for the elimination of export subsidies. We can only speculate on how many family farms will disappear between now and then. While no one would argue against helping out struggling farmers, the majority of these subsidies go to the powerful agribusiness sector, not to family farms.

The Ministerial Declaration calls for more restrictions on state trading enterprises like the Canadian Wheat Board. The Wheat Board enables Canadian farmers to market and sell wheat as a bloc, therefore commanding a higher return. In my opinion, the EU’s call for the complete elimination of the Wheat Board will eventually prevail. Curiously, the WTO doesn’t approve of state monopolies even though corporate monopolies appear to be fine.

From: Lefort, Jean-Yves, The Council of Canadians website.

i have been promising a to-do list for the summer since mid-April. As i now only have four days left working this job that permits incessant surfing and studying (i have been here an hour and answered the phones once!) i will finally provide you all with the list of things i had to do and have done.

Academic

Email Grad Schools

Pick ones to apply to

Visit U of T

Write Letter of Intent

Choose writing sample

Get an appt for the GREs

Study for and take the GREs [September 1st, 2006]

Read 1/3 of 490 syllabus

Read Boccaccio’s Decameron

Finish Foucault’s Discipline and Punish

Create calendar of funding and application deadlines

Review for ITAL 202

Take and get a STELLAR grade in ITAL 202

Extra-Curricular

Research and purchase new hosting for the VOID

Move the website

Research and write one article of online content for next issue

Email subscribers of old site to inform them of change and put up a redirect

Organize and attend Arrivederci Ilya month

Figure out what it means to be assistant to the President of the Liberal Arts Society and do that

Make media-kit for the VOID

Print copies of mk and give to marketing people at 9600 Meilleur

Personal

Scrapbook all photos and tickets

Make an attempt to learn to draw

Finish crocheting the blanket

Plant and maintain new garden

Lose 25lbs

Cook something new every week

Blog at least 4 times a week

Read Nabokov’s short stories and Pnin, A Winter’s Tale, Hamlet, Othello, and Auerbach’s Mimesis

See friends as often as possible!

See at least 75% of the fireworks

Go to the Fringe, Jazz Fest and Comedy Fest at least once

Visit Veronica

Plan road trip to Boston in October

Flirt!

Financial

Find a new job

Work and be nice

Save money (70% of overall earnings as a goal)

Budget for the upcoming year

Will update as things are added, completed or removed. See sidebar.

one of my very good friends, Bryan, is CONSTANTLY criticizing me for being a cynic. He is a ridiculously idealistic individual, but that's beyond the point.

I bought an IPOD NANO Saturday afternoon. It is black. It is sleek. It is sexy. I have wanted one for a while and the combination of being unable to shop for clothes because i am on a diet and having an new job and starting to rollerblade and walk everywhere has caused me to spend the money. i got the student discount from the apple website. awesome. i should have it by June 28th. I rock.

ok…the link between those two thoughts. You could get a free laser engraving on your IPOD. Well, at first i thought it was kind of stupid. Then i read the suggestions, some of them were cool if it was a gift. Then i decided to go for something classic: my name and my email address. Yes, i am hoping that WHEN i leave it somewhere, knowing my name and my email address will give it some hope of coming back to me.

So the next time someone tells me i'm a cynic (which my definition means that i think people are always motivated by selfishness - GRE vocab studying) - i will have a response.

I'll let you know if it works.

The fireworks were great. Brandy goes very well in French Vanilla coffee - just in case you were wondering.