as the express Via-Rail train from Montreal to Toronto speeds past this bumpy, pokey bus, i can’t help but reflect on missed opportunities and untaken chances.

I’m struck by the dank prospect that forevermore the trip home will be accompanied by anxiety over the increasingly lengthy list of contacts i am unable to maintain to my satisfaction. Nostalgia will replace a genuine sense of security and happiness. The buildings’ new coats of paint will be evaluated through the equally new shade of my rose-coloured glasses.

I continue to drift from person-to-person, feeding off moments of intense connectedness in passionate conversation - and worry about the possibilities for this continuing. Something, however, needs to help overcome the aching maw in the nape of my neck caused by how far i have come, how long it has taken, yet how much further there is yet to go.

sometimes i wonder if forgetting would not be a blessing in disguise - and then a stifled moan of anguish, bittersweet, rises. i cannot, shall not, let it go. not yet.

i got tossed out of a library yesterday… and not for the reason you would expect (talking), but rather because there was profanity on my “fuck leaf nation” shirt.

Maybe i shouldn’t wear a shirt that swears in a library funded by the pontiff… who would have thought?

the list is not that long yet, but i am working on it.

1. Used bookstores - lots of them and of a high quality.

2. Subway art - i may, in fact, be one of ten people who takes the time to appreciate the different artistic installations peppered throughout the subway system, but i am particularly fond of the mosaics. They remind me of NYC.

3. Proximity of the YMCA and Loblaws to my current residence. I may live in upper-rubber boot again, but at least this upper-rubber boot comes replete with access to quality yoga classes, cross-trainers and baking supplies.

That’s it for now. Next week i plan to continue my general explorations (which thus far have been structured along a “walk everywhere. Avoid using the same way twice whenever possible” method) by printing out a copy of all the U of T library locations and visiting them one by one - i will bring a camera.

I write this at the very pleasant completion of ANOTHER birthday. I cannot sleep - apparently my 4-5am work schedule has returned. Unfortunately, one of my roommates has decided to come home in the last five minutes and has disturbed my much appreciated peace and quiet. Veronica and i went out for Japanese in the Bayview mall. We need not return to the restaurant which was fine, but not fantastic. I spilled miso soup all over the table. We returned home to tea, chocolate cupcakes and fresh, homemade chocolate buttercream icing and present unwrapping. Baking ones own birthday cake ensures satisfaction

but more importantly i had an encounter of the natural kind yesterday. While wandering around in the wrong building looking for my Materials of Medieval History class when i turned to look out a window… lo and behold there was a baby raccoon asleep on the sill. At first i thought he was a cat he was so tiny. The fluffiest cat ever, but he woke up and looked straight at me… not scared at all. I could have touched him if it hadn’t been for the glass. It made my day worthwhile. Smiles…

There is still no door on my bedroom, but there is a door to be installed in our laundry room. There is also hope that when i get home from yoga today said door will be attached to the doorjam off the kitchen. I am hopeful.

Last Thursday was orientation for all incoming students. I was very pleased that when i turned the corner into the common room Evan and Richard, whom i know from my BA (and were Master’s students at Concordia) were chatting and waved to me. Nothing like a friendly face!

The orientation itself was pretty ho-hum. Instilled the fear of God in me re: graduate and funding applications and the upcoming MA Latin exam. I don’t get the results of my placement test until late Wednesday, so i have a light week schoolwise - only two days of classes.

After orientation was very nice. We headed over to the Bedford Academy and sat around drinking a couple of pints in the late afternoon sun. It was very pleasant to be surrounded by people that are equally passionate about the past, and books and ideas - much like the atmosphere at the LAC. David, Emily and I ended up heading out from the group at around 8pm for Vietnamese on Yonge at this place called Ginger which i was told was good, cheap Toronto food - meh. It was cheap. It was edible. The pineapple smoothie was VERY good.

Friday i ended up sleeping. The task of writing up all the applications and their requirements was just too daunting to undertake in my first week here. I have since compiled a complete list of North American schools and am going to do my best to complete the British ones (it’s a nightmare!) by the end of the day today. I made jumbalaya for Veronica and I and we watched Declin de L’Empire Americain which i had rented earlier in the week. It was … ummm… shocking.

Saturday Veronica and i went to the gym in the morning and then headed over (via public transit) to Walmart to pick up essential supplies like pots and pans. We then proceeded to make a dinner of potato latkas and corn while preparing lime-in-the-coconut jello shots for the people that our roommates were having over that evening.

Saturday evening ended up with Veronica, Mark, John (one of my other roommates) and i playing football and golf in the large park across the street. It was very fun - but made for an exhausting day all in all.

Sunday i made breakfast for the army of people camped out in my living room: eggs, more potato latkas, Greek potatoes and bacon. There was also some work doing and reservations made for dinner on Wednesday. We went to see Shoot ‘Em Up last night and it was amusing. Lots of blood, gore and gratuitous violence. It was completely unbelievable, but funny. John kindly paid for Veronica and i as we had been providing meals all week-end - italian meatballs, corn and broccoli-cheddar pasta was dinner last night.

We get the NFL channel - this is not a good sign. Guess what i will be watching this evening most likely?

Verdict on Toronto thus far: Food is meh, but i am enjoying the peeps.

(because i am trying not to focus on my poor results on the Latin placement exam)

I made mixed berry muffins. Cam ate one. It was edible. I’ll let you know tomorrow what my own verdict is.

I made sweet pea soup - it is VERY sweet. and very green. it also scalded me because i put too much in the blender. Now i have a mess to clean up - then bed. Yeah for bed! I am tired.

So… i think this week-end’s mishaps have come to an end. The final bit of trouble was putting the bed together… it took Veronica and i over three hours. We are apparently incompetent at reading instructions. Of course, all the ranting and raving has apparently managed to hurt the feelings of most of my family. Lovely. Lesson learned: Picking up the phone when already almost in tears is a bad idea no matter how much you think talking to the person might make you feel better. hurting their feelings with your doom and gloom will only make you feel worse.

I spent today cooking though, which made me feel a lot better, and Veronica and i went to the gym.

I haven’t felt so… ineffectual… in quite a while.I have been out-of-sorts since Friday night when i was on the phone with the Brick, but i think i am calmer now. Or at least i hope. Otherwise i think that i am going to have a heart attack.

I am hoping to have an opportunity to call Rogers and get my cellphone number changed to a 416 number tomorrow or Wednesday. I should also be reviewing my latin for the placement test on Wednesday. However, untilthen, i am going to enjoy the meal that i have put together: pecan pesto, homemade humus and pistachio pudding.

Yesterday was not much better. I found out that there is a problem with the phone line in the basement, but the basement tenants do not talk to us, so i could not let the Bell guy in. He stank and called me a liar saying that WE had a rogers phone even when i told him we do not. It is difficult not to be reduced to tears when you can’t even CALL the friends you are pining for. Sniff.

We got to Ikea to pick out a replacement bed and they were out of stock. Hence, i am supposed to show up there at 10 this morning when they open and hopefully the shipment they received last night will be on the shelves. Otherwise, i am going to be a very unhappy camper.

So, thus far, other than the flowers, nothing has gone right. If i don’t have a bed by the end of the day today, it will be official that Toronto had me beat within 72 hours of my arrival.

Veronica really didn’t like the colour paint that i had chosen (it’s called wheatfield and a beige very far on the yellow index), but when i moved in all the wood furniture and showed her my rug she came around saying that it looks really good against the other earthy colours i had moved into the room. I am pleased about that. Knowing someone thinks you have poor taste is never pleasant - not that it mattered THAT much because I like the colour and i’m the one living in this room.

We are supposed to be enrolling in the gym by Wednesday - i might ask Veronica to go with me today actually because i believe that she was scheduled to work Wednesday night. I have never been a member of a classy gym like a YMCA before. I hope i do not feel out-of-place. I am thinking that a good yoga class might make me feel a bit better though. Work out some kinks. Take my mind of things as i focus on the stretching in my limbs.

It is Mom’s birthday tomorrow. Unfortunately, i do not have a card and seeing how i got her a present in July (William Shatner tickets were TOO perfect to pass up), i feel like i should. Do you think that the move will absolve me of any blame?

So, i am here. Let the bells ring out and the banners cry.

The first day had many not-so-great signs for the future:

Veronica forgot to leave me a key (but she got off work early and ran back here to let me in).

The Brick lost my bed delivery (so i ended up crying in a heap on the floor, sobbing that i only wanted to go home… fuck the Brick. Do not EVER shop there. I spent over an hour and a half on hold in all and ended up having to cancel my order because there was absolutely no way that they could get me a bed before Tuesday - and they tried to blame it on me.)

One can see under the newly-constructed wall in my room into the living room. (Silicone and quarter-round will likely fix this).

However, there were some nice things. For starters, seeing Veronica was pleasant. I missed not her when we did not live in the same town (though we have already had a disagreement about my general attitude towards people, which can be outlined in a later post).

Also, Eric had flowers, in a really nice vase, delivered to the house to welcome me. *SMILES.

This morning has been a frenzy of activity. Yesterday we did two coats of primer/sealer and one coat of colour. This morning i did another coat of colour, took of the tape, washed the floor in my bedroom, the hall and the bathroom. Washed the bathroom. Reorganized the back porch and washed THAT floor, moved some furniture and did a load of laundry. I have also come up with three lists: IKEA (we need to go get my bed as soon as the parents arrive), grocery store and Pharmaprix.

I may have recovered productivity. Wouldn’t that be nice?